In the Name of Allah, the Beneficent the Merciful''Your wives are your tilth; so go to your tilth when you like... Take care of your future and refrain from the displeasure of Allah.' Q2: 223'In the sexual act of each of you there is a sadaqah (charity or gift).' The Companions replied: 'O Messenger of God! When one of us fulfils his sexual desire, will he be given a reward for that'' And he said, 'Do you not think that were he to act upon it unlawfully, he would be sinning' Likewise, if he acts upon it lawfully he will be rewarded' 'Prophet MuhammadSOMETIMES when I contemplate the human life, the multiplicity of events, which compete for our attention, the solemn but profound realities of life and living, I suffer the temptation of trifling with sexual relations, I consider the act not worthy of being discussed in the limited space The Guardian has graciously allocated to Friday Worship.But an event of last Sunday compelled a re-assessment of my opinion. One of the socio-religious functions, which competed for my attention and attendance on that day was the formal opening ceremony of the Jihad Week activities of the Moslem Students' Society of Nigeria (MSSN) University College Hospital Branch. I attended the event as the representative of the Imam of the University of Ibadan.The subject of discussion was 'Family Planning: Any Dilemma'' By the time I entered the hall (not in the manner of perpetual late-comers to social functions but that of a promise-keeper, a subject with strong awareness of the importance of time management) two presentations had been made, one by an Imam, who must have spoken on behalf of 'Authority' without being, I hoped, authoritarian, and the other by my younger brother, who had spoken on behalf of medicine. Today's result is from one of the questions, which followed their presentations.The questioner queried, what is your opinion about a woman, whose husband is failing in taking care of her and her children but is constantly demanding for sex' Can she say no to him' Immediately this question was read to the audience, my mind became abuzz with ideas and with possible responses. I began to recall, in the inner regions of my mind, what the Qur'an says on the issue, what the Prophet's perspective to such matters could be and how the companions navigated the slippery terrain where scriptural provisions come in contact with practical experience.While trying to 'resurrect' Ibn Taimiyah, al-Ghazali, and others in mind, I was praying that my brothers, particularly the Imam whose task it was to speak on the topic would relieve me of the necessity to intervene in the discussion.Brethren, the Imam was the first to speak and I was not surprised by his approach, he opted for the theoretical, he tried the best he could to remind the audience of what Allah says in the Qur'an, he emphasised the necessity for Moslems to avoid the fear of poverty, he alluded to the categorical imperative of the Prophetic script, which enjoins Moslems to marry and procreate.But my brother-Gynecologist took the other pathway, the practical. He told the story of a sister, who was 'unlucky' to have a brother with excessive libido as husband (no doubt some women would have loved to have somebody like him as husband), a brother whose view of masculinity is delimited to his insatiable sexual ability.Having realised the fact that her husband's finances was not sufficient to take care of her and her children, she devised ways of disallowing him from coming near her. But alas the day she consented, she got pregnant. On the day she put to bed, her husband was nowhere to be found.Brethren, your brother eventually came back home. He returned from khuruj after he was sure that his wife's physiological and congenital components had become healthy enough to accommodate his libidinous predilections. He then began to demand for sex. But his wife remembered how it felt being a lonely mother; she could not forget so soon how harrowing it was for her in the labour ward, how she had to borrow every item she needed for her to put to bed. Thus she started saying no to his demand for sex.But dear brethren, you and I know how these things happen, that our wives would not say 'no' forever, that our wives would not want us to bring in another woman even if we know we do not have the means to cater to two women, even if some of our women realise they cannot cope with the sexual desires of some of our brothers. Thus four months after that delivery, she conceived again!Eventually I had to make a few comments, which would be evident as we progress in this sermon. But let us begin with this question. Aside from possible fear on the part of our wives for dire financial circumstances which could follow sexual relations, conception and birth, why would our wives say no to our sexual advances'Perhaps I should ask another question, which that sister of mine would have loved to ask, why do you men always demand for sex despite the fact that in most cases you fail in assisting your wives realise orgasm'Have you ever asked your wife to give you your score-card, to rate your performance in bed' Is your failure to assist your wife reach orgasm each time you had sex not an infraction on Islamic injunction' Is it not an infraction of your wife's sexual right' The other day a sister said in confidence, since the day we got married my husband has not gone beyond 30 per cent rating in sexual competence. Yet another female voice interjected saying: 'I would give my husband 10 per cent. I don't know what it feels to have orgasm, I never had it!'Brethren, in the above lies a number of issues for us to ponder. I suggest we begin with the historical. The earliest woman in Qurano-Islamic annals, who refused her husband sex is Khawlat (Qur'an 58). She is the woman whose refusal to engage in conjugal relations with her husband became a matter for celestial intervention. Khawlat refused to go to bed with her husband not because Aws ibn Samit Ansari, was effeminate.It was equally not because her husband was incapable of satisfying her financial needs. Rather she refused because she felt it was time to put an end to one other social misdemeanor, which was then common to the Arabs. Wherever there occurred a family quarrel the husband, in the heat of the moment, would say to his wife: Anti alayya ka zahri ummi, which literally means: 'You are for me as the back of my mother.' Put differently, the statement means 'to have sexual relations with you would be like having sexual relations with my mother!' This habit was known as zihar in Arab annals. Through such utterances, a husband cuts his marital relations with his wife. He seals the process up by declaring her to be permanently unlawful for himself like his mother.Khawlat consequently decided to report the case to the Prophet (may Allah's mercies and benedictions be on his soul). This led to the revelation of chapter 58 verses one to five.Here is a point of reflection for this week. 'Before you grief over what you do not have, pause a moment and reflect over countless favours you have received from Allah without asking for them.'(guardianfidayworship@gmail.com)
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