Get ready. Thousands of bright-eyed graduates are set to enter the workforce for the first timewith their Brooks Brothers suits, canvas duffel bags or backpacks, and enviable hairlines.To mark the annual deluge, Esquire released some advice for the newly employed, along with a list of gift ideas to ease the transition into adulthood. Suffice to say, its dreadfulwritten by some beta male with seemingly zero real-world experience.For the sake of these kids, I have a moral obligation to set Esquire straight. Itsrecommendations include:An "elegant pen"' Sorry, but if yousome 22-year-old kidshow up to a meeting with colleagues who have already forgotten your name and start taking notes with a MontBlanc fountain pen, youll get side-eyed out of the room.A "business card case"'Thats possibly decent advice for women, but guys, your suitjacket already has a pocket for that. Flash a monogrammed or silver-plated card case on atrading floor, and youll get a punch in the face. Fine, fine if youre cool enough to notwork in finance and dont wear a suit, you get a pass. Just keep it discreet.An "old-school turntable" to "dampen the frenetic energy" of a tough day' If youwant a way to unwind, it makes way more sense to get a PlayStation. Itll also save youthousands of dollars from all the nights you choose to stay in playing Madden on a Fridaynight.A versatile Timex chronograph watch' The only message that sends is that you come from a poor family, have no taste, and take yourself too seriously. If you cant afford a decent starter watch (I wrote a guide for that), just get a funky Swatchor a Nike sports watch. This tells people youre either whimsical ordisciplined about fitness. Or just dont wear a watch at all.An Oxford-collar button-down' Esquire says there is no greater sartorial staple for aprofessional man. Sorry, but Oxford collars have no place in the corporate world. Whathappens when you get dragged into an impromptu client meeting and need that tie thatyou keep in your desk drawer for such occasions' Now you look like a communitycollege professor. Instead, memorize this definitive fashion guide for dressing like a man, and youll be just fine.The only decent idea that wasnt painfully obvious ("a pair of good dress shoes" or "atailored suit") is to get a gym membership. This is obvious too, but its important toclarify. Chances are, youre about to start spending more time sitting at a desk or winingand dining, and less time enjoying active leisure time. So going to the gym is moreimportant than ever. But do not waste your time with the office gym. Its no fun beingsurrounded by colleagues, and its too easy to get needlessly sucked back up to your deskafter working out. Besides, there are way more attractive people at your nearest Equinox.Now that weve fixed that, you should also memorize these tips for getting ahead in yournew job:1. People love to talk about themselves, so ask your new colleagues questions thatget them in their comfort zone. A big part of your first impression is how youmake people feel about themselves.2. Buy at least three decent suits. Keep it simple; if a suit has too much flair, theonly thing people will notice is how often you wear it.3. Dont wear a tie every day unless you have to; you just look like a kiss-ass. Butalways keep a spare tie in your desk drawer.4. If you are exchanging stock tips with friends at other firms, use an app likeCyber Dust. Just dont buy short-dated, out-of-the-money options.5. Show some leadership by organizing drinks and nights out with fellow trainees;get them wasted, especially in the presence of senior colleagues.6. Do the coffee runs. It shows confidence. Just dont screw it up. If you cant betrusted with coffee, how can you sell bonds or manage risk'7. Leave a jacket on the back of your chair so people can never be 100% sure ifyouve left early for the day or are taking a long lunch.8. Never tell the first offensive joke, but always have a good one saved up for whenyour seniors finally trust you enough to share one with you.9. Ask the secretary for the travel schedules of the senior members of the team forthe week ahead. Theywill think you are being proactive, but now you know when youcan sleep in, hit the gym, or beat the traffic to the Hamptons.10. Its OKto make a mistake or ask a question. But dont ever ask the samequestion or make the same mistake twice.11. Dont offer to buy drinks when out with your seniors; you cant afford them, and itwont score any points.12. Your bosss jokes are always funny. Period. And if you are at the receiving end ofa joke, laugh with it. If you take yourself too seriously, no one else will. There areno safe spaces in the real world.13. Shut up about where you went to college.14. Let your boss set the tempo when it comes to rowdy nights out. Dont be afraidto join in; just make sure youre the first one in the next morning.John LeFevre is the creator of @GSElevator and the author of the New York Timesbestselling book and Amazon Book of the Month, "Straight to Hell: True Tales ofDeviance, Debauchery, and Billion-Dollar Deals" out now on paperback.Join the conversation about this storyNOW WATCH: Scientifically proven features men find attractive in women
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