Ghostingis often a part of datingbut there are a few things you can do if you think someone is ghosting you.First, suspend your judgment and examine the situation in the wider context of your past encounters together.If someone has ghosted you before, that once bitten, twice shy feeling may be moving you to assume that this person has called it quits.But generally speaking, people who like you find ways to show upphysically or emotionally. If this truly is a situation where you're being ghosted, you canexercise power by requesting that the ghoster reply within a time restriction you set, orby choosing to de'ne the context of their ghosting by saying to them, "I take it you are very busy today."The following is an excerpt fromTruth and Lies: What People Are Really Thinking by Mark Bowden and Tracey Thomson:You are waiting for your new-ish signi'cant other. They are late for the date you made a couple of days ago. You contacted them a number of times to con'rm earlier in the day, but they have not gotten back to you. Given that you have been waiting for over an hour and there is still no reply through any of the various communication channels you both use, including ones where you can see they have read the message"Where are you' Are we on for tonight'"you are suddenly getting that horrible feeling: What are they thinking' Am I being stood up' Or worse,am I being ghosted'Scan this scenario by suspending judgment and being more descriptive as to what is going on. The key signal is body language that seems so simple and obvious, but in discussions and studies around nonverbal communication the power it displays tends to get overlooked: the number one telltale sign that gives you the feeling someone has decided to call off the relationship abruptly and unkindly: they become completely absent.But before you assume you're embroiled in an abusive situation or you're being ditched, let's examine this event in a wider context of past encounters, both yours and those shared with this person, to 'gure out if there is any justi'cation for giving them the bene't of the doubt and revising the assumption that they are ghosting you.They are a no-show and you are getting a horrible feeling. Do you have a sense of dj vu' Has anything like this happened to you before with other partners' If so, that once bitten, twice shy feeling may be moving you to assume that this person, too, has called it quits without so much as a text. There could be multiple reasons why they've not made contact: Their mobile device is lost or not working; they got stuck in a meeting; they were driving a long distance and couldn't use the phone; or some kind of emergency has come up. If you have experienced ghosting in the past with others, you may be bringing your own biases into play and making an incorrect assumption.But if this situation has happened before in this relationship, was there a valid reasonsuch as their working in an environment in which contact is tricky (e.g., in a hospital or on a transportation system of some kind) or being subject to a work-related communications blackoutto make this par for the course'Let's ask what else we can consider. When two people are attracted to each other, they can act in many different ways to hang onto power in the relationship (tease, ignore, be thoroughly annoying); at the end of the day, though, if they really are into each other, they'll always 'nd a way to come together, to engage in whatever behaviors they are taking part in with respect to each other. In other words, if someone is into you, they'll 'nd ways to show up to participate in the exchange, whatever that is. You'll notice them popping up in your vicinity regardless of whether it is physical or virtual. This is something we can all overlook initially, but once you realize it, you'll start to see how being present or not is taken for granted but is the most physically impactful aspect of a relationship.Just how physically close we get to others is, in body language terms, called proxemics; it's the amount of space people feel necessary to set between themselves and others. This is one among several sub- categories in the study of nonverbal communication, including haptics (touch), kinesics (body movement), vocalics (paralanguage) and chronemics (structure of time).Anthropologist Edward T. Hall developed the idea of proxemics by describing the interpersonal distances of human beings (the relative distances between people) in four zones: intimate space, personal space, social space and public space.Intimate distance for embracing, touching or whispering:Close phase: less than 6 inches (15 cm)Far phase: 6 to 18 inches (15 to 46 cm)Personal distance for interactions among good friends or family:Close phase: 1.5 to 2.5 feet (46 to 76 cm)Far phase: 2.5 to 4 feet (76 to 122 cm)Social distance for interactions among acquaintances:Close phase: 4 to 7 feet (1.2 to 2.1 m)Far phase: 7 to 12 feet (2.1 to 3.7 m)Public distance used for public speaking:Close phase: 12 to 25 feet (3.7 to 7.6 m)Far phase: 25 feet (7.6 m) or moreThe 'rst two zones, the intimate and the personal, describe the region surrounding a person that they strongly regard as theirs, often falling under the umbrella of the more general term personal space, made popular by anthropologist Robert Sommer in 1969. Hall's work was groundbreaking for its focus on how people of different cultures psychologically understand and use the space around them. He found that most people and cultures value this personal space and feel discomfort, violation, anger or anxiety when it is invaded. Permitting someone into your personal space or entering somebody else's personal space is a strong nonverbal sign of how we feel about the strength of the relationship; how much power we feel comfortable or compelled to take in that relationship, what boundaries are therefore appropriate and, on the 'ip side, how welcome or not we are when getting up close and personal with someone.The intimate zone and personal zone are generally both reserved for close friends, lovers, children and close family members. The close social zone is used for conversations with friends, to chat with associates, and for group discussions, and the far social zone is reserved for strangers, newly formed groups and new acquaintances. The public zone is used for speeches, lectures and theater; essentially, the public distance is that range generally reserved for larger audiences.Here's what Hall doesn't consider, though, about being so far away that you are not within any detectable distance. If you use Hall's idea and his linear algorithm, the farther away we are from one another, the less heightened the emotional connection or reaction to others and the less power they have over us. However, we can also see that in some circumstances, the farther away they are, the more power they have over us. Distance does not necessarily decrease someone's intimate or social power just because they cannot be heard or seen. In some cases, distance may in fact increase someone's power over us. Absence can be more emotionally powerful than closeness and, as the old catchphrase goes, make the heart grow fonder. This is largely dependent on how we choose to respond: whether we continue to attempt to engage with the person in hope, attempt to engage simply to get some closure, or oblige their ghosting behavior and match it, thereby accepting the end. And if we are just not sure what is going onbeing ghosted can be confusingor what we want to happen next, we can still test our old and new judgment about the situation without risking too much. It is possible you are being tested by this person: They may be knowingly (or not) testing how accepting or resilient you can be in the face of their erratic behavior, or how committed you are to the relationship. And even if you decide not to play into any sign of manipulation and to opt out and drop them, from their point of view you could still be in their sights. From a nonverbal perspective, you have none of the usual cues to respond to, as the ghoster has taken away all gesture, touch, posture, facial expression, eye contact, clothing, hair and voice quality, rhythm and intonation. However, what they cannot take away from you is time, context and environment, so you can still lay criteria around these factors.For example, you can exercise power by requesting that the ghoster reply within a time restriction you set. For instance, 've minutes. Alternatively, you can choose to tell them to take all the time they want or ask them how much time they need, thereby giving them your approval to control time. Similarly, you can take power by choosing to de'ne the context of their ghosting by saying to them, "I take it you are very busy today." Finally, you can commandeer the communication outside of the environment of however you have been communicating with them up until then. For example, stop trying to reach them on your handheld device. Instead, give them the simple directive "I will see you at your place soon," thereby dictating both place and time, and then physically show up there and then. All these options of course have potential upsides and downsides. Indeed you may decide to lie about showing up on their doorstep in the next few minutes just to press time and bring about a response. But at least all this allows you to exercise powerful options rather than being left for dead by chance or design.Excerpt from Truth and Lies: What People Are Really Thinking by Mark Bowden and Tracey Thomson 2018. Published by HarperCollins Publishers Ltd. All rights reserved.Mark Bowden, voted the number one body language professional in the world by Global Gurus, is a renowned thought leader in the field of nonverbal communication. Principal at groundbreaking communications organization TRUTHPLANE, Mark is sought after internationally for his entertaining and inspirational keynote speeches. He has a popular TEDx talk, media appearances worldwide, and bestselling books enjoyed by millions. Tracey Thomson, co-founder of TRUTHPLANE, advises the world's top companies and individuals on issues involving communication and body language. Her background in directing and training performers internationally in the psychology of movement, as well as her professional experience analyzing and supplying solutions to the dramas we find ourselves in, gives her unique insights into human behavior and what people are really thinking.SEE ALSO:I'm a serial 'ghoster' in dating ' here's why I do itJoin the conversation about this storyNOW WATCH: Here's why the US Men's team sucks at soccer
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