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16 faults destroying your relationships (1)

Published by The Nation on Sat, 20 Jul 2019

Staying in a relationship is a decision that you make for so many reasons. Love is a choice we make, we need to realize that no one is perfect, so in relationships you choose to love irrespective of faults and also choose to stay if you feel or believe you can tolerate the faults. Sometimes people ask me what are the reasons or things that break relationships/marriages.Truth is a bitter pill to swallow, but it has to be said not to criticize the negative aspects only, but to open our consciousness to actions and attitudes that expose us to not only heart break, but destroying the things we love and those we love.There are so many reasons relationships fall apart, quite a number of people, even myself at a time, attributed breaks in relationships to money, sex, pride, lying and cheating. Of course, this is true, but, in my experience with hundreds of relationships for over two decades, I had an opportunity to share, listen and learn with close study of some irrelevant reasons that lead to separation, divorce, lack of romance and loss of interest in relationships. The word irrelevance is relative because what may seem relevant to one person may be irrelevant to another. Basically, what I am trying to bring out in the open here is small things count.Quite a number of bad attitude which we over look, lead to a steady or sometimes fast decline in a relationship. Romance isnt a bed of roses or set of pearl earrings you get on your anniversary only, it takes hard work and conscious efforts to make things workToday we will analyze these problems and possible action plan we can apply to help achieve a better understanding between couples.Read Also:BBNaija 2019: Mercy speaks on relationship with IkePhysically fighting or arguing in publicThis is definitely not a good idea for anyone to try as an individual, not to even mention someone you call your partner. Anyone with some self-respect should not even try this at all. You end up disgracing yourself not just your partner only. You will make everyone feel uncomfortable and awkward around you. Some couples derive pleasure in screaming at their partner, or even hitting in public. Very wrong and should not be seen as normal or accepted by any standard.ACTION PLAN: Talk it out in private. There is a solution to every problem in life, if its not working, or you are having difficulty tolerating each other, better to walk away and let everyone have peace. If you feel there is still a chance, then seek counsel to settle your differences. Communication in a mature manner is key. Keep your tempers in check, take a deep breath and start the conversation in low tones. Fighting, arguing and tearing each others clothes in public can never be a solution. It causes more harm than good. Get help, if this is your habit.Constant criticism of your partners familySince we all know that no human being on earth is perfect, dont you think you can cut your in-laws or in-laws to be some slack' Your partner had no part in making a decision as to which family would bring them into this world. Of course, we get to meet some family members that are truly difficult to please. But constant words like why is your elder sister behaving like she has no home training' or your father is so weird will only worsen the situation and put them on the defensive. This puts your partner in a difficult situation having to always defend them and take sides either with you or their family, and when they take sides with their family, this will hurt you and make you resentful.ACTION PLAN: If you know what you are going to say is not nice and will hurt someone, dont say it at all This goes especially to people who do not have the ability to practise diplomacy. It is not bad to voice your displeasure, if you are not getting the respect you deserve, but choose your words with wisdom, get an ally in your partners family who can help you understand how they think and function.Even if theres some clashing of heads, dont focus on the familys faults. Getting criticism from family members can make your partner feel sad and defensive which not only makes everyone uncomfortable, but can turn family events into a showdown.The see finish attitudePeople who have been in a relationship for years or married for years, often do this.I have been there too!! Being together for so many years sometimes makes you very comfortable, making you think you know all that there is and maybe more. Remember when you started dating him or her' How exciting it was at first' Get to know what they like, their best food, best colour, best hair-do, best football team, best movie actor or actress. We were all at that stage at some point. But after a while, the see finish spirit comes in and booms. You feel, I know all there is to know. There cant be any more. Well, the thing is people change and this change comes for so many reasons, change in economy, change in financial capacity, accident, loss of a loved one and so on. Many variables can affect ones behaviour and can lead to laxity or taking your partner for granted. You first of all start this bad habit by stopping the most important thing which is asking your partner questions and learning about them. The issue is when you stop asking these questions, you start losing interest and silence takes over.ACTION PLAN: To stay happy in a relationship, partners need to talk to each other every single day, and I mean every single day, regular phone calls, while at work, text messages, whats app messages, video call, just communicate, even if it is for five minutes. You need to find time to talk. The issues of life are so much and can be overwhelming. Any relationship without a means of communication is a dead one. Dont know what to talk about' Start with what you read on the news, the movie you would love to watch, football match, the home is also a good topic, children, colleagues at work or challenges at work, if there is any. The benefit of making an effort to ask questions helps you to know and understand your partner more just as if you started dating today. It helps keep the fire burning and gives better insights as to what they like and dont like.Thinking your partner will changeMost times, couples do everything possible to change their partners behaviour and way of life knowing fully well the character of their partner from the very beginning. There is no such thing as a perfect human being, which is why if you have an attitude of always reminding your partner about their shortcomings regularly. This is not an ideal way to get them to change. Of course, you can remind them about putting of the bathroom light, or dropping the toilet seat or placing the toothbrush upright. But trying to get them to stop snoring after five years of marriage' Well, your guess is as good as mine. It is a cross you must bear and bear with love.ACTION PLAN: Accept the fact that they are not perfect, the same way you are not perfect. Causing anxiety for them will make them want to defend their position and stop them from making effort to change. Dont coerce or manipulate your partner. Change is a constant thing in life, but sometimes doesnt happen overnight. You win some you lose some. Dont beat up yourself about it, take life easy.PUBLIC DISPLAY OF AFFECTIONI am a great supporter of showing love and affection, but please spare people around you the discomfort of watching you getting it on in public. Our culture is opening up to people getting more expressive, but it is disrespectful when you go all out to get it on in full view, without considering the feelings of others. Some people may also embarrass you while youre at it. Try and maintain some decency.ACTION PLAN: First of all, be sure your partner is open to such an act. Theres nothing worse than attempting this and getting the cold shoulder. Stick to hand holding, maybe even quick kisses (not loud slurps please) save the extras for your bedroom. It gives people the impression you have no control and decency, and may be a pointer to real communication issues you have with your partner.
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