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How to break your egg and other miseries

Published by The Nation on Sun, 20 Oct 2019


Actually, the egg experience is worse. In the time it will take you to peel that egg, you would have climbed up and down Mount Kilimanjaro twice. Yes, twice. Oh misery!I like discourses that begin with Once upon a time. Usually, it shows that a story is in the works. Well, today Im beginning this discourse with Once; this shows that only a quarter of a story is coming. So, here goes. Once, a very long time ago, I wrote an article titled, How not to break your egg and other etiquettes. Unfortunately, the article ended before I could tell you how to break your egg. Today, after leaving you in suspense for many years, I feel I should put you out of your misery and tell you how to break your egg.Just a minute. Have you ever endured the routine of eating a boiled egg' You havent' Wait then, let me tell you. First, to break their egg, most people just knock it against a hard surface and watch the shell shatter into a thousand pieces. I said most people, not you. Anyway, once it shatters, the thing is that each piece of that shell must now be accounted for and removed individually.Youre lucky though if some mysterious power still connects many of the broken pieces together, like, you know, with a thread or something. That is when a large layer of many broken pieces stay together like friends and come out together. I say youre lucky. If youre not, then you have to remove each broken piece, one after the other. Just imagine yourself climbing Mount Kilimanjaro, one piece of rock at a time. Actually, the egg experience is worse. In the time it will take you to peel that egg, you would have climbed up and down Mount Kilimanjaro twice. Yes, twice. Oh misery!There is a worse experience. That happens when the shell of the egg stubbornly refuses to part from the egg white. So, as you peel, parts of the flesh are stuck to the shell. You peel the shell, you peel the flesh, until you are down to the yolk. By the time you are through just peeling the shell, the egg is naked to the yolk and you wonder what happened to where the white was supposed to be. My friend, we call that experience The Great Egg Mystery. It has been known to occasion many a misery like no other.Actually, there are other kinds of miseries. There is the kind that Nigerian politicians are presently bringing on their fellow citizens. Have you noticed that political parties have sort of metamorphosed into chop-chop clubs with membership open to only a few, privileged ones' Worse, the monies meant to construct roads, construct industries, give electricity, establish rail systems, provide water, construct space stations, open roads on the moon for mankind and build industries on Mars, I say, those monies generally just vanish among those chop-chop members. The gawking populace is of course left inmisery.Then, there is the misery you feel when the power company abruptly plunges the entire nighbourhood into darkness. No problem, you think, as long as it affects everybody. However, when the power is restored by some miracle several hours or days later and your house has been skipped, man, you know you have a problem. You are forced to endure the misery of watching your neighbours enjoy electricity while you sit in darkness.That will not do. Immediately, your mind tells you that there is a law that says if there is going to be that kind of misery, it must go round the neighbourhood. So, you make that call and your first sentence goes there is electricity in my neighbours house but there is none in mine The unasked question of course is Why should my neighbour have electricity and not me' and not Why should there not be electricity in my neighbourhood' I tell you, misery loves company.Anyway, talking about politicians reminds me of the other kind of misery the citizens of Kogi state are enduring right now. Not only did they spend the major part of the tenure of the present governor watching their salaries and emoluments emigrate to Mars, it seems they are being forced by the APC political party now to endure some more of such years. Now, I guess, it seems the party has concluded plans to ram the non-performing governor down their constricted throats for another four years. This time, I think their salaries and emoluments will surely migrate to Pluto or Neptune, whichever is the farthest planet. Oh misery!Still on Kogi State and other inanities. I hear that Adeyemi and Melaye are going throat to throat in a by-election to determine which of them will be senator. Already, they are even at each others throat, I hear. This is really sad, no' I ask you, can there be more misery called down on Okun people of Kogi state' I mean, that area has produced so many brilliant people and look who is now fighting to represent them in the senate! Wharra mess! I think the entire people of the state should emigrate to Mars and leave the state to the mindless exploiticians! I mean, between the Too Young To Know Any Better (TYTKAB) governor, and the Duo of Unknowing Ones (DOUO), the state is in a perpetual state of shock. Why' Because the monies to develop the estates on Mars have vanished into the chop-chop clubs. Oh misery!Anyway, we must get back to the topic of how to break and eat an egg. I heard someone whisper just now, Who eats eggs' People are dying and youre talking about eating eggs! Seriously'! I mean gasp oh dear so sorry Oh misery!Well, miracles happen. Perhaps, one day. you and I will wake up and come to our senses. When we do, we would then realise that the people we call Nigerian politicians are not related to the human race but actually come from Planet Jupiter and we will throw them back there for betrayal of trust. Then we would begin to make demands of those whom we call leaders and put our foot down on some eggs to show that we mean it. Of course, well then make one giant national omelet out of the ones we break.Eating an egg a day can remove some of our miseries caused by such things as a short temper, impulsiveness and lack of concentration. Well, to be honest, those are my words. But, according to nutritionists though, eggs pack quite a bit of protein punch and other things that are essential for the body.While waiting for the time we can afford it, it will do us some good to know how to break our egg. It is necessary to state here that there are preconditions for knowing how to break your egg. You know, just like when you buy an iron, the accompanying manual instructs you to please not test the iron with your tongue while it is plugged in. So, the precondition is that you need to first boil your egg. Of course the egg producer will not be liable for damage claims if this condition is not met.To break the egg then, just take a spoon made of stainless steel or any other material made of stainless steel such as a ladys stiletto heels or a childs lunch box spoon. Then cut right through the egg to two equal halves. There, you have your egg. Now, to eat the egg, you need another lesson but let me give you a hint: you simply pass it through your mouth. To break an egg for frying, just smash it against a hard surface; thats what most people do. That way, you just might get to reduce your own misery.
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