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"Captain Jack": A Val Story Written By John Mfon

Published by Nairaland on Sat, 15 Feb 2020

Captain Jack<br><br>Dedicated to all lovers....<br><br>Written by:John Mfon<br>Episode 1<br><br>Jackson Albert, a man who had tasted the hard realities of life. He had come to realise lately that the world wasn't a bed of roses.<br>Right from his primary school down to his secondary level had always been a tough survival.<br>His dad had long abandoned him to his fate because he was an illegitimate son, a son of a love peddler. His mother had taken the responsibility of nurturing him. Jackson was groomed under a harsh condition.<br>He attended a public primary school and used four exercise books from his primary one through six, a pair of sandals which had visited the hospital for stitches. The sandals had been the only shoe in his life.<br>Poor mother will always sit and cry, at times, she cursed her husband why he named her son 'Jackson' to her, jack was a name for pets.<br>Despite the struggles, Jackson graduated from primary school and prepared for life in secondary school.<br>His mum had to sit him down.<br>&quot;JJ my only son, it was never my intention to be poor, i had a bright future but my parent had no money to sponsor my dream. God decided to curse me with a big buttocks, and right from fifteen, men started trooping after me. Because of my financial condition i decided to make money from them. During the long run, i met the useless man called your father. He promised to marry him if i quit prostitution which i did. But right from when i married him I've been living like a slave. I don't want you to be like me, i don't want you to be like your father&quot; she said in ibibio.<br>&quot;But dad is a pastor! we need to follow his footsteps&quot; Jackson argued.<br>&quot;Your father is a yahoo pastor&quot; the mum screamed.<br>Jackson stared at his mum.<br>&quot;Your daddy is no pastor, he is a drunkard of a pastor! He drinks every time and that's why he was anionted pastor, he pastors only touts and drunkard!&quot;.<br>Jackson chuckled, he remembered countless time he had to bring his dad home in a wheelbarrow. Most times, he do ask his dad why he sleeps in gutters most times but the man will always say:after ministration, i do what the spirit tells me.<br>So the spirit do tells you to swimm in a gutter' He'll argue further.<br>My bastard baby shattap, you don't know anything about missionary works. In the 90s, we the missionaries do sleep in forests, but thank God for technology, we now have roads with well developed drainage system which the man of God can rest his head, i do commune well with God when I'm in the gutter. Why do you think that Christ was born in a manger, we've to follow christ.<br><br>&quot;Jackson&quot; his mum screamed.<br>He jolted.<br>&quot;What are you thinking about'&quot;.<br> He nodded his head in negative.<br>&quot;Your father is a wicked man, i want you to be a better man in life, you are big and i want you to know that the day you impregnate a girl, your sufferings begin. So what do you want to be in future'&quot;<br>Jackson thought for a while.<br>&quot;I want you to be a Doctor&quot;.<br>He nodded in negative.<br>&quot;Dad said bastards are never doctors, that they will kill the patient before the patient thinks of dying&quot;.<br>&quot;He said that'&quot; Mum sobbed.<br>&quot;He said my place is in the village council hall, he said i smell like sour plantain&quot;.<br>She snapped her fingers.<br>&quot;He told me that I'm a by-product and that he is planning to kill me and use my body to prepare suya!&quot;.<br>&quot;Jesus&quot; she screamed.<br>&quot;I want to be an army&quot;.<br>&quot;Nooo, you'll die, i don't want you to live me&quot; she screamed and held his son hands.<br><br>Uproars and screams were heard as someone knocked at the door.<br><br>Mrs.Albert saw her husband on suit with a holy bible lying on the floor and speaking in tongues.<br>&quot;How long will you continue to disgrace me&quot; she thought.<br><br>Mr.Albert had anionted himself with bottles of locally made gin. The gin lifted his soul up and made him gallant in the things of the spirit, he chased every single kid on the road, he kept on binding and casting nepa poles which he thought were tall demons. He urinated on himself and constantly used the gutters instead of the road. He saw people as birds and the gutter as an airport.<br>He met two ladies on the street and he decided to try his toasting skills, but he kept on screaming and singing the national anthem, he convinced the ladies that he'll take them to a hotel. The ladies on seeing his plight decided to drag him home.<br><br>Mr.Albert heard a familiar voice and he jerked up.<br>&quot;Oooh we've finally reached the hotel&quot; he tried to stand but he lost balance and fell down.<br>His eyes popped open when he saw his wife and son.<br>&quot;I said it, it will come to this! You went to an hotel, you did not only go to an hotel, you took my son with you so that he can be playing referee, God will judge us here!&quot; He tried to stand and he lost balance and fell into a drum of oil.<br>&quot;My ladies, take me out of here. I don't need a swimming pool&quot;.<br><br><br>Episode 2<br><br>Jackson commenced secondary school the following year. He was always claiming 'soldier'. He fought seniors almost every day. He could sag his trousers, wear coloured trainers, fry his hair and no one would touch him.<br>He told the whole school that he wanted being in the army. During break he will jog round the school field, do strenous exercises to the admiration of females.<br><br>&quot;Jackson! What is a noun'&quot; The english master asked.<br>He stood up and adjusted his collar, he was the biggest pupil in JSS1.<br>&quot;I'm waiting!&quot;<br>Jackson thought for a while....<br>&quot;Is it needed in the army'&quot; Jackson asked.<br>&quot;What do you mean'&quot;.<br>&quot;You cannot ask an army boy that question!&quot;.<br>&quot;Are you insane'&quot; The teacher asked. He grabbed a cane and whipped Jackson. Without warning, Jackson gave him a sliding tackle. The english master fell like a bag of garri, he lay on the ground and began to cry. The class screamed, but Jackson ordered them to sleep.<br><br>The next day, he was told to lie on the ground by the principal.<br>Jackson fell like a palm tree and started a session of press- up.<br>The principal ordered him to frog jump round the field and he did same.<br>After the incident, he reduced his intensity for trouble untill his final year.<br><br>A new girl was admitted in saint Andrews School.<br>Every guy stared in astonishment as the beauty catwalked into the class.<br>Jackson was absent, he was confused on which course to offer, he kept on pestering the Principal if Army is a science or arts course.<br><br>The very day he resumed school, he decided to offer science subjects.<br>He met the new girl in class and he was told that she was a General's daughter. Right from that day he automatically became a bright student.<br>&quot;Class, who knows the meaning of a cell'&quot; The biology mistress asked.<br>Inorder to impress the girl.<br>Jackson stood up and cleared his throat, he twisted his neck and fell like a palm tree and began a press-up session.<br>&quot;Are you mad!&quot; The teacher asked.<br>&quot;Sorry sir, i was trying to exercise my brain as a captain in the force!&quot; He faced the girl. &quot;A cell, according to Wole Soyinka dictionary is a process of disco seperation in a club, it is a phrase used by men and women. I also made my observation, a cell in the army is a machine gun used for.......&quot;<br>&quot;Clap for yaself, see your mouth like yam tuber!&quot;.<br><br>During the maths session, an equation was given on the board and he rose up and propounded a useless formula, a formula his dad wrote.<br>&quot;State pythagoras thoery!&quot; The maths teacher asked him after he finished solving his wonder maths.<br>&quot;When the triangle is Y, then the structure of rectangle is X, logically the rectangular triangle will be the nemesis in the equation&quot;.<br>&quot;Who gave birth to you'&quot; The math teacher asked.<br>&quot;My mum&quot;.<br>&quot;When you go home greet her for me!&quot;<br>&quot;Huh'&quot;<br>&quot;Tell her i said that she has done well to keep you till this age, if you were my son i would have poisoned you because of your foolishness!&quot;.<br>Jackson moved to his seat.<br>Episode 3<br><br>Jackson kept on playing the intelligent kid in class and at the same time exposing his natural inborn stupidity.<br>During recess, he strolled towards the general's daughter.<br>&quot;Hi, I'm Jack son of Captain Albert&quot; he stretched his hands.<br>The girl stared at him from head to toe and chuckled lightly.<br>&quot;Hey&quot; he waved his hands.<br>The girl ignored him.<br>&quot;Many ladies will count this opportunity as a rare priviledge to speak to me.....&quot;<br>&quot;Who do you think you are'&quot; She snapped.<br>&quot;Oooh! I'm sorry, i thought you are dumb&quot; Jackson chuckled.<br>&quot;Are you not the class clown'&quot; The girl asked.<br>&quot;Class clown'&quot; He asked in confusion.<br>&quot;Are you not the guy that answers question through the brain in your anus'&quot;.<br>&quot;I'm sorry, you're unto the wrong person!&quot; He said and dragged a chair closer to the girl.<br>&quot;You see, many students and teachers in this school underrate me. I am someone that reads books, newspapers, signpost, i read anything readable that's why i have knowledge. And when i speak, my knowledge surpasses the teachers that's why they think I'm talking thrash&quot; Jack said.<br>&quot;Interesting!&quot; The girl chuckled.<br>&quot;So your knowledge made you understand that a cell is a machine gun'&quot; She scoffed.<br>&quot;You won't understand&quot; Jack said.<br>&quot;Then make me understand&quot;.<br>Jackson breathed.<br>&quot;I am Evelyn&quot; she gave a disarming smile.<br>Jackson breathed in admiration.<br>&quot;You're beautiful&quot;<br>She blushed excessively.<br>The boys in the class had began cheering Jackson.<br>&quot;No near am oooo! Her papa na army man!&quot; The boys screamed.<br>&quot;Oops! I forgot telling you that i have animals for classmates. Let's go to the field&quot; Jackson led her outside the classroom and they moved to the field and sat.<br>&quot;I find you irresistible&quot; Jack breathed.<br>&quot;Let's not go there&quot; she muttered.<br>&quot;Why did you leave your former school when you're almost completing.....&quot;.<br>&quot;I felt like changing school!&quot; She said.<br>&quot;Just that!&quot; Jack stared at her in disbelief.<br>&quot;I attended a big private right from my kindergarten and i got used to seeing rich spoilt kid, i needed to visit where I'll find raw and tough guys!..... you won't understand!&quot; She sighed.<br>&quot;I understand you perfectly....even the rich might want to exchange place with the poor, such is life&quot; Jackson muttered.<br>&quot;Can we be friends....like thick friends'&quot; She asked.<br>&quot;We are friends!&quot;<br>&quot;No i mean intimate friends!&quot;<br>&quot;I love blunt girls, you're bold!&quot; Jackson smiled.<br>&quot;Is that the answer to my question'&quot;<br>&quot;I'm game&quot; he stretched his hands forward but Evelyn hugged him tight.<br>It seems the hug lasted for eternity.<br>&quot;A teacher is ......&quot;<br>&quot;Sit here we're seniors! No teacher can do shit with me&quot; Jackson bragged.<br>&quot;You said your dad is a captain!&quot;<br>&quot;Me!&quot; He jerked in confusion. &quot;Oooooooh, my dad is a retired boko haramist but he is a soldier now!&quot;.<br>&quot;Huh'&quot;<br>&quot;You won't understand&quot; he said.<br>************<br><br>Jackson and Evelyn friendship blossomed and it became the talk of the school. They exchanged romantic letters on daily basis and Jackson will always nail the letters to the wall like calenders in h room. Once his dad entered his room and noticed the amount of papers that had been nailed to the wall. He almost killed Jackson, he told the poor boy that he is going diabolical and taking after Lucifer the devil by nailing different papers to the wall with a sixteen inches nail. He made Jack go through a rigorous fourteen days fast, and at the end he baptised him with a bottle of beer, he claimed he couldn't find a bottle of olive oil.<br>When he later found one, he broke the bottle on his son head as part of the deliverance.<br><br><br>Their friendship developed into a relationship and they began nursing dreams towards marriage. Jackson was twenty while Evelyn was fifteen.<br>Dating a general's daughter was fun.<br><br> Febuary 14<br><br>Jack thought of what to give his bae, he had a few coin on him. He strolled to the supermarket and found a wrist watch, he saw the price tag and he almost wept. Twenty thousand just for an ordinary wrist watch. He had only five hundred naira. The only thought that came into his mind was bread and akara, that was what he could afford. Akara seems local.<br>he asked the price of a big loaf of bread and the price shocked him. Seven hundred naira. He cursed the shop keeper and marched out of the shop. He trekked for one hour and arrived at a bakery. He bought a big loaf for three hundred naira and he bought moimoi from a food vendor.<br>He bought a wrapping paper from a nearby shop and wrapped the bread and the moimoi.<br>He sat near a fence, pulled out his pen and began writing<br><br>Oh my precious Evelyn, words cannot describe the love i have for you. I trekk four hundred metres under the sun to buy you a gift. That shows my love. Please don't laugh when you open the gift. Silver and gold i have not, but what i have us what i give. In the name of the lord i am rich enough to buy you bread and moimoi. Chop and be healthy. The moimoi is a sweet one so don't worry you shall not mess too much. If you check Songs of Solomon, the bible says: i sought for my wife, she was beautiful, her breast were like twin towers, thy lips are fresh like scarlet. Your father loves you but i love you better than him, while Jesus loves you best than us.<br>Amen!<br>Yours lovingly<br>Jackson.<br><br>He pasted the letter on the gift and resumed his israelite journey.<br>He arrived Evelyn's house sweating as a guinea fowl. He knocked at the gate.<br>Few minutes later, the gate was unlocked by Evelyn. <br>&quot;See my baby&quot; She hugged him.<br>Jackson admired the exterior decoration of the house.<br>&quot;Don't worry my dad isn't around&quot; She said on noticing his tension.<br>&quot;What of your mum'&quot;<br>&quot;She is dead!&quot; She replied.<br>&quot;Eyyaaah! Take heart&quot; he responded like a typical naija- burial -sympathizer.<br>&quot;You bought me a gift! Awwwwwn, that's so special!&quot; She said and took the gift from him.<br>&quot;Don't open that gift, until i leave this environment&quot; Jackson said.<br>&quot;Is it bomb'&quot; She asked.<br>&quot;It is more than bomb, infact it is a grenade&quot; he said.<br>She offered him a bottle of soda, and sat close to him with full concentration on the TV.<br>Jack scrutinised her body and immediately a boner formed in his trousers. He slipped his hands below her skirt. She jerked.<br>&quot;What do you think you're doing'&quot; She asked.<br>&quot;Nothing!&quot; He was already breathing hard.<br>&quot;I'm scared! I've never done it before!!&quot; She said.<br>&quot;I'll teach you&quot; he unbuckled his belt quickly.<br>&quot;It'll pain me&quot; she said.<br>&quot;I'll do it slowly!&quot; He tore her shirt and grabbed her boobs.<br>'Fresh'.<br>Evelyn wobbled, arched her back and grunted as strange feelings swept through her. The breeze coming from the AC made her nipples hardened. She screamed as Jack played with her body.<br>&quot;We were taught to use condoms. Are you with one'&quot; She manage to gasp.<br>Jack thought for a while, he quickly put on his boxers and rushed outside and few seconds later, he came in with a blade of grass, he even forgot to lock the door.<br>He tied the grass on his manhood.<br>Evelyn jerked.<br>&quot;You are a witch doctor! What do you want to do'&quot; She got up.<br>&quot;Relax, i don't want you to get pregnant!&quot; He tried to touch her but she recoiled.<br>&quot;Is that the condom you're supposed to use'&quot;.<br>&quot;This grass is more effective!&quot; He said.<br>&quot;There is no way I'm letting that enter my .......&quot;<br><br>&quot;If you move i shoot&quot;<br>they all turn to see the owner of the house pointing a riffle at them.<br>&quot;Evelyn, i thought you were still a baby!&quot; General roared.<br>Evelyn went on her knees and began sobbing.<br>Jackson just remain footed on the spot.<br>The general gave an evil laughter when he saw the naked Jack with grasses tied round his dick. He rushed and punched Jack squarely. He aimed his riffle at Jack's dick.<br>&quot;Oga please don't kill that thing that is my possession in life! you can kill me&quot; he pleaded.<br>&quot;You fool!&quot; The general screamed and ordered his boys to lift Jackson up.<br>&quot;I'm taking both of you to the school right away!&quot; He roared.<br>His men wanted throwing Jackson into the car but he screamed at them.<br>&quot;don't put that fool in my car, he is not worthy to be in my car&quot;.<br>A truck was brought and attached to the bonnet of the car. Jackson and Evelyn were thrown into the truck.<br>The general jumped into the car and drove off.<br>Jackson regret was the bread and moimoi which he didn't eat.<br>***********<br>Everyone in Saint Andrews, left their classes to watch the free exhibition.<br>The general drove round the sloppy field, causing the truck to jerk severely and make funny sounds. He brought the car to a halt. His men bundled Jack and Evelyn and slammed them on the field.<br>&quot;Where is the principal! Who is the principal!! How is he!!!&quot; The general screamed.<br>The female principal rushed forward, she tried to disperse the crowd but failed woefully.<br>&quot;Are you the principal'&quot; He roared.<br>&quot;Yes!&quot; She whimpered.<br>&quot;This children had the guts to Bleep in my house! I want to teach them a lesson&quot; he retrieved his riffle and fired to the space. Everyone shivered in fright and excitement.<br>&quot;You&quot; he pointed at Jack.<br>&quot;Aye sir&quot; Jack stood and saluted.<br>The general stared at him keenly.<br>&quot;Are you in the military'&quot; He asked.<br>&quot;I'm not, but I'm prepared to be&quot; Jack replied ruggedly.<br>The students cheered him.<br>The General smiled.<br>&quot;Frog jump from the end of that field to this spot!&quot;.<br>&quot;Aye!&quot; Jackson began the session and the General watched in astonishment.<br>Jackson completed the session and stood as if nothing happened.<br>&quot;Oya lie down&quot; The General retrieved a whip from his car and gave Jackson twentyeight lashes but he never shook his body.<br>The General stared at him in frustration.<br>&quot;I want you to do seventy push-ups now!&quot;.<br>&quot;Aye!&quot; That was his favourite, he did one hundred and one push ups and chuckled.<br>The General gave up.<br>The whole school cheered him<br>&quot;Captain! Captain!! Captain!!! Captain!!!! Captain!!!!! Captain Jack!!!!!!.<br>The General grabbed his daughter, flung her into the car and sped off.<br>Jack never saw Evelyn again, he prayed the girl eat the bread and moimoi, atleast that was his Val gift to a girl.
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